Self Esteem Is Hard

October 10, 2012

I don’t think people (even bigger people) really understand that big folks usually have lower self esteems or at least lower defenses than “normal” sized folks. Since losing a lot of weight I get all kinds of comments and snide remarks that basically say “you’re a better person now because you’re smaller.” No one seems to get this though I’ve explained it to a few close people that I really am the same person I was before all this, I just wanted to be healthier and losing weight was simply a consequence of that, really no big deal. However this never seems to get through and people are always commenting on this or that, “oh you must’ve had surgery” or “I could never do that, you must be suffering.” The truth is, I’m simply not, I eat pretty well and I’m feeling pretty good, how is that suffering? I know that people don’t really mean anything by it intentionally but deep down a lot of them do. I don’t know what it is and I admit I don’t fully understand most people (this is a problem I’ve had for years) but I assure you I’m not a freak or somehow a different person because I decided to get healthy and acting as if I am is really not helping. It makes me feel like I was somehow bad before and okay now because I look a little different. I’m sure I’m just being overly sensitive.

On the topic of self esteem though, I had to do a photo session last night for a magazine and when I saw the picture I literally did not recognize myself, it was not the same person I see in the mirror every morning and it was startling. It felt weird but I was kinda proud of myself. The photographer asked me why I was startled so I replied with how much weight I had lost and that I hadn’t really seen many pictures of myself, his response? “Want a doughnut?” He then went immediately to my personal favorite “so you had surgery right” and believe me it wasn’t phrased in the form of a question, more of an accusation. Basically that there was simply no way anyone could do that solely through diet alone because he couldn’t when he tried. Again that’s just my impression and I’m sure I’m just taking it all the wrong way but wanted to rant about it. I’ve never been the most sensitive or empathetic person on the planet but I would like to think if someone told me about a major accomplishment in their life that I wouldn’t try to cheapen it or accuse them of cheating. That’s just me I guess.



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